I’ve received a good number of questions from FIHM readers that sound like this…
Do women who lack confidence and self-esteem advance into sex or stronger sexual activity earlier
in a relationship or date than women who are developed, confident, and successful?
Do you have to put in extra effort to make successful, confident women sexual?
If a woman desires sex too quickly or on the first date, is it actually a red flag?
Let me start by saying this…. It’s every woman for herself. There are some confident, successful women
who have so much certainty and enthusiasm and because they’re both healthy minded and
physically healthy they have strong sex drives and they will be MORE sexual and sexually free with
someone they’re attracted to. However, there are also some successful, healthy, developed women
who have soooo much going on in their mind & life and are so preoccupied with those things, they
may not desire (or even think about) sex that often.
Personally, I do think it’s a red flag if a woman desires sex right away-- even if she’s a professional, successful,
and seems to have her life together. WHY??? Because one “red flag” you want to lookout for is
impulsiveness. An impulsive person who takes action before thinking or can’t foresee consequence, is more
likely to stray & cheat or make bad financial and life decisions-- all things you want to avoid having in a dating
partner, and especially someone you marry.
If a woman hates the way she looks and isn’t confident about her body, she may very well desire sex less. But
that isn’t always the case.
These things take a significant toll on an individual’s sex drive:
Stress
Lack of sleep
Being mentally preoccupied
Physical unhealthiness
Let’s say a woman has a high-stress, fast paced career as an investment banker. She gets too little sleep, is
always thinking, reading, researching, making huge decisions, worrying, and trying to beat the clock… this may
very well take a toll on her sex drive. But if you take that woman away for the weekend, she gets a solid night of
sleep, relaxes, gets a massage, and unwinds, you may see a sexual diva come out to play-- an entirely different
side of her.
I don’t think you should concentrate on a woman’s sexuality by thinking it’s either due to, or lacking because of,
her self-esteem, confidence, or success. Because studies have shown that stress and a lack of sleep are
2 of the most common reasons why someone’s sex drive decreases. Not their self-esteem,
confidence, etc… Even though those things DO play a part (I’m not saying they don’t), these things more
commonly do:
Stress
Lack of sleep
Being mentally preoccupied
Physical unhealthiness
If a woman is larger in size… okay lets say she has a full blown weight problem… she may be self conscious,
and she may lose some of her sex drive because of it. A man is not able to fix her weight problem or any health
issue that may be causing it overnight. However, if he allows her to relax, she is well rested, and he channels her
mind to thinking about being sexual with him-- she won’t be thinking about her weight or physical appearance
any longer.
A man is capable of influencing the woman to think about sexuality and being sexual with him, not
only by being an “attractive character” but also by working “with” whatever core reason she has to
not desiring intimacy.
If anything, I’d say confident, successful, developed women are MORE sexual overall… but because that lifestyle
lends itself to high-stress, a lack of sleep, and preoccupation, that many successful women temporarily lose their
sex drive. It can be reignited though!
The same thing tends to happen in marriages with children… let’s say the woman has a part-time job, the
husband works full time, and they have three children (ages 4, 7, and 13). They live an average, typical
lifestyle… The wife picks the kids up from school, takes them to their sporting events, birthday parties, runs the
household errands, makes all the meals, keeps the house clean and the laundry done, oversees the bills and
finances, and is constantly on the run, tired, and stressed. Her life quickly becomes an annoying, mundane
routine of stressful activities, making appointments, getting everyone fed, doing the dishes, maintaining laundry,
and so on and so forth… that she is bored, tired, stressed, overwhelmed, worried about finances… and there is
NO WONDER she doesn’t desire sex!!
This is a common problem that many marriages face. However, if her husband stepped in and did these things:
1. Started doing the dishes in the evening and watching the children for an hour so she could take a nice bath
each evening.
2. Established a “date night”, got a babysitter to watch the kids that one night each week, and took his wife “out”
weekly.
3. Started doing small things to breakup her otherwise mundane boring life….
He would quickly see a more relaxed, happy, and therefore SEXUAL woman.
I’ve said this in other reports and systems as well, but let me say it again: Women are sexual creatures too.
Often men forget that. Women desire sex and enjoy sex too. Don’t forget that.
And remember that you, as a man, play a big part in her sex drive… and you can influence it and reignite it
when needed.
My friend John is definitely a nice guy. He is also an upper level manager working in a well-known high-tech firm,
he owns a beautiful house, drives a beautiful car, and knows how to really enjoy life. On paper he looks like a
good catch! He’s a wonderful conversationalist, he’s considerate, thoughtful, kind, and he knows how to take a
woman out on a great date. What is not to like about this guy? Yet, John can’t find a girlfriend. I’ve heard him
say on more than a few occasions that he just doesn’t understand it. He wonders why he has so many close
women friends who really enjoy his company, yet hasn’t been able to attract a woman who wants to be more
than friends in years. What’s the problem? I believe that John suffers from what I call the “nice guy” syndrome.
Unknowingly, he is defeating his goal of finding a girlfriend by projecting himself as a “nice guy who finishes last.”
I was in my 30s when I first became aware of how many of my male friends were telling me that “nice guys finish
last” and “women always go for the bad boys.” I also started noticing that these kinds of comments left me
feeling negative about the guy who was expressing them. Every time a man would tell me something along the
lines of “women only want to be friends with nice guys” or “jerks always seem to get the girls,” I found that I didn’t
feel any sympathy at all! No, instead this kind of talk actually gave me a bad impression of the “nice guy.” (“Bad
boys” NEVER say that “nice guys finish last,” it’s only the men who identify themselves as “nice guys” who talk
about how women seem to prefer “bad boys.”) Why would an obviously nice guy who tells me that “nice guys are
always the friend, never the boyfriend” make a bad impression on me? Well, first of all, probably for the same
reason that a woman telling you that she’s “always the bridesmaid, never the bride” would leave you with a bad
impression of her! Unfortunately, this kind of talk gives off a “loser” vibe.
Projecting a Negative Impression
I am absolutely sure that men who wonder aloud why women only want to be friends with “nice guys” such as
themselves are not aware that they are projecting a negative image (from a woman’s point of view). They are.
First, they are projecting an image of a man who has “bad luck” with women. This image may sometimes elicit
sympathy from a woman, but it does not elicit attraction! You might be surprised to hear this, but they are also
projecting an image of a man who, underneath it all, resents women. I don’t think men realize that they are
projecting resentment of women, and certainly they have no intention of projecting this, but that’s what we
women hear when a guy talks about how it seems like women “never go for the nice guys.” From our
perspective, it sounds like the “nice guy” is telling us that women are stupid, shallow, and or masochistic! And
when a guy starts communicating those kinds of thoughts, we start thinking that he’s not such a “nice guy” after
all! How do a few simple conversational comments about how you’re a really nice guy, but it seems like women
only want to be your friend, or how it seems as though women prefer “bad boys” who don’t respect them, convey
the idea that you really don’t think much of women?
It sounds to us like you’re saying that women are pretty stupid. When a guy lets a woman know that he thinks
that “nice guys” don’t seem to stand a chance with women because women are much more attracted to “bad
boys,” it implies that he thinks women have no idea what’s good for them. It implies that women are so stupid
that they don’t know the difference between a self-centered womanizer and a thoughtful, kind, caring guy. (And
by the way, any statement that generalizes about all women will, I guarantee, irritate a woman at some level.
Guys don’t like being stereotyped by women, so it stands to reason that women don’t like being stereotyped by
men either.)
It sounds to us like you think women are pretty shallow. When a guy lets a woman know that he
thinks women prefer “bad boys” over “nice guys” it implies women prefer “image” over
“substance.” It implies that women only notice and appreciate what’s “on the surface” of a guy and so must be
pretty shallow themselves.
It sounds to us like you think women are pretty masochistic. Yes, statements or opinions about how women
prefer “bad boys” over “nice guys” imply that you think women LIKE to be treated badly. In fact, a lot of my male
friends have gone so far as to say this to me! But even if you don’t actually go so far as to actually say that
women must like to be treated badly, any commentary about how women don’t seem to go for the “nice guys”
gets the message across loud and clear that you think we prefer guys who are not nice!
Now why would any woman be attracted to a man, no matter how “nice” he is, who lets her know that he thinks
women are stupid, shallow and masochistic? In fact, why would any woman think that a guy who believes women
are stupid, shallow, and masochistic is a “nice guy”? She doesn’t!
Rather than thinking “he’s a nice guy,” she’s most likely thinking “he’s a “loser” – a guy who complains all the
time, has a low opinion of women, and feels sorry for himself. From a woman’s perspective, the so-called “nice
guy” is actually coming off as a guy who’s not nice at all.
I can tell you that I am not attracted to men who tell me they have “bad luck” with women because they’re nice
guys! I don’t want to get involved with a man who has come to believe that the reason he’s not getting dates is
because he’s just “too nice” and so implies that women are all too stupid, shallow, and/or masochistic to
appreciate someone as wonderful as he is!
I’m Not Doing That!
I can imagine that right about now you might be thinking, “hey – I’m nice to the women I know, I don’t think
women are stupid, shallow, or masochistic, and I am not making women think that I do!” Well, you’d be amazed
at how coming to believe that you are suffering from the “nice guy syndrome” affects the way you
interact with women. It may not feel that way to you, but the important thing here is what is actually
getting communicated to the woman whether you intended it or not.
At one time my friend John had a romantic interest in me, but our friendship never moved beyond the platonic
stage. This is because no matter how great a time I had with him going out to dinner, to concerts, out dancing,
etc., I was always aware that he resented me underneath it all. I was aware of this because some of his random
comments were subtly positioning me as another one of “those women” who thought he was such a “great guy”
but only wanted to be friends. After a while I started feeling like he thought I was using him because I didn’t have
a romantic interest in him! His underlying resentment for me, and women in general, threw a big bucket of cold
water on any attraction I might have towards him. And he was completely unaware that his “nice guy syndrome”
talk was totally ruining his chances with me.
Getting Out of the “Nice Guy Syndrome”
Presenting yourself as a “nice guy” is a very bad idea if your goal is to attract a woman! And this is NOT
because women are not attracted to nice men. It is not a bad thing at all to actually BE a nice guy. Women ARE
attracted to men who are nice (or men who do a good job of seeming like they are!). I’ve gone out with my share
of men who could be described as “bad boys” and I thought every one of them was nice, at least in the
beginning. Most women are attracted to guys who are nice; however guys who are nice and guys who label
themselves “nice guys” are not the same thing!
I think this is a very important thing for men to understand about women: Women do not pass over “nice
guys” because they don’t appreciate men who are nice. This is NOT the case at all. It’s just that we
want to notice that you’re nice on our own – we don’t want you to tell us how nice you are! As soon as
you let us know that’s how you see yourself, we feel like you’re challenging us to be the one good woman out
there who can see you for the great catch that you are. In other words, we feel like we’re being coerced into
romantic attraction. If we’re not immediately romantically attracted to you, we know you’ll think it’s a case of just
one more woman who can’t recognize a good man when she sees one!
I have a lot of great male friends who can’t understand why they’re having no luck attracting women. And, in
many ways, it IS hard to understand because these guys are attractive, successful, and really fun to be around. I’
ve had long talks with a couple of these friends about the problem and have thought a lot about it over the
years. I’ve come to believe that these friends are projecting a negative image of themselves and a negative
attitude towards women in general without realizing it. I’ve come to believe that they are actually suffering from a
syndrome that they have created themselves and are completely unaware of: the “nice guy” syndrome. This
syndrome begins when you first tell yourself that it seems like every woman you’re interested in only wants to
“be friends.” In reality, “every woman” is really a few individual women, but as soon as you start using words like
“every” and “all” and “always” you’ve begun to lay the foundations for a self-fulfilling prophecy! You ask yourself,
“Why do women always only want to be friends with me when I’m a nice, attractive, decent, etc. person?” At
some point along the way you might begin to tell yourself that women are not sexually attracted to “nice guys”
and that your positive qualities are actually your cross to bear. And now you are caught in the syndrome! You
keep trying to attract a woman who wants to be more than friends, but consciously or subconsciously really
believe that you’re the kind of guy that women only ever want to be friends with. And then you might comfort
yourself with the idea that women don’t appreciate good men. These kind of conscious or subconscious
thoughts end up guaranteeing that this is exactly what you’re going to get each and every time: a woman who
“just wants to be friends” with you!
Understanding the Problem is the Solution
So, guys, after all this, the solution to this difficult problem is very simple! The power of the “nice guy syndrome”
lies in the fact that you don’t realize you’re caught up in it. As soon as you recognize that you might, in fact, be
projecting an image of “the guy who never gets the girl,” you’re on your way to becoming a guy who does get
the girl!
When you meet women, NEVER talk about how it seems like “nice guys finish last” and women prefer the “bad
boys.” NEVER talk about how you don’t understand your lack of success in finding a girlfriend when you’re such
a nice, successful guy. This kind of talk, no matter how conversational and reasonable it might seem to
you, will, at best, only elicit sympathy from a woman and I don’t think sympathy is not what you really
want! At worst, this kind of talk will convey to the woman that you think women are stupid, shallow, and/or
masochistic because they’re never attracted to guys like you. (And, remember, I’m not saying that you DO
think so badly of women, I’m saying, as a woman, that this is how it comes across to us.)
So, work getting rid of all thoughts that reinforce the idea that “nice guys finish last” and turn it into a cold, hard
fact! Approach the woman you are interested in with no preconceived notions of how things are
going to turn out! You want the woman you are interested in to see you for who you really are, not as
just another one of those so-called “nice guys” who never get the girl! You are an attractive,
worthwhile individual, not a stereotype! Stop thinking about your “predicament” with women in
stereotypical terms. Life is full of surprises and unforeseen opportunities – don’t let the “nice guy
syndrome” stop you from achieving that special relationship you desire!
________________________________________________________________________
IS SHE FAKING IT?
By: Hayley
If you’re wondering if there is a way you can tell for sure if your sexual partner is faking her orgasm
or not, you are not alone!
I can’t count the number of times I’ve been asked by male friends if there are “clues” that will tell them if “it’s real
thing.” And I have to admit that this question has always mystified me! I often find myself wondering, “What
difference does it make if she is faking it?” Apparently, whether she’s “faking it” or not matters to a lot to men
and the more I think about it, the more I can understand why.
First of all, our partner’s orgasm is the clearest evidence we have that his or her sexual experience with us was
satisfying. And this is the case for both men and women. But, it’s funny, I’ve never in my life heard a woman ask
if there are any clues that will tell them if a man is faking his orgasm or not. Is this because women assume that
male orgasm and ejaculation are the same thing? (They’re not.) Or is it because we just don’t think about the
possibility of male sexual “faking” at all? Whatever the case, it does seem that a large number of men are
concerned about finding themselves in bed with women who are fooling them. And they may have good reason
to be concerned because studies show that 52% of sexually active women do fake orgasms.
52% of sexually active women “fake it”!
Men want to know how to tell if a woman is faking it; however, the more interesting question might be why so
many women do. If you can figure out why women fake orgasms, it is much more likely that you’ll be able to find
ways to make sure she doesn’t feel like she has to! I’ll come back to the question of why women fake orgasms
later in this report. But first things first: is there a fail-safe way to know if a woman is “faking it”? To put it bluntly,
NO, there is not!
There is no absolutely certain way to tell if a woman is faking orgasm. That’s the simple answer. No two women’s
physiologies are alike and there are no obvious signs that prove that what looks like a female orgasm really is
one in every case. Clearly, this is, in part, because many of the signs that have been scientifically associated
with the female orgasm can quite easily be faked! And the more of these signs a woman is familiar with, the
better potential “faker” she is! In fact, all of us, both men and women, are very familiar the so-called signs of
female orgasm: shuddering, crying out, exaggerated facial expressions, bodily relaxation immediately
afterwards, and so forth. Most of us learn these kinds of signs from Hollywood movies, don’t we? Remember that
famous restaurant scene in When Harry Met Sally? There are other signs too, of course, signs that cannot be
faked: a flush spreading over the skin, a racing heart-beat, spasms inside the body. The problem with these
sorts of signs is that females exhibit them at different times during sex and not just during orgasm. If you search
the internet, though, you will find lots of articles on female orgasm that include lists of the signs to look for. One
such article tells the reader that he can recognize a female orgasm when the following occurs:
an increase in pulse rate
breathing quickens
an increase in vaginal lubrication
pelvic muscle spasms
skin on the face and chest flushes
clitoris and nipples become erect
Guys, this list is completely ridiculous! Yes, some or all of the above will occur when a woman has an
orgasm. AND WOMEN CAN EXPERIENCE ALL OF THE ABOVE DURING SEX EVEN IF SHE DOES NOT
HAVE AN ORGASM. Any woman knows this from experience. Yet those busy scientists keep trying to
identify and prove the reliable signs of female orgasm! WHY? Why is the female orgasm so
fascinating as a subject of research?
Female sexuality is notoriously more complex and subtle than men’s sexuality. Men are constructed so that
ejaculation happens fairly easily and quickly. And for a good reason! Obviously, the perpetuation of the human
species pretty much depends on this biological attribute of the male! Of course many women assume that male
orgasm always accompanies ejaculation (and many men assume this too, I suppose) and this isn’t the case at
all. Nevertheless, it seems to be the conventional wisdom that when a man ejaculates during sexual intercourse,
it signals two things: a) it’s the end of the sexual interaction, and b) the man has attained at least some level of
satisfaction in the encounter. Women, on the other hand, have no biologically determined reason to orgasm
either quickly or easily. And most women don’t, at least not during sexual intercourse!
Few women orgasm during straightforward intercourse (the kind that involves a penis and a vagina). In fact,
30% of all women report having difficulty achieving an orgasm at all during ANY kind of sexual activity. You
know, achieving orgasm for most women is just not a straightforward, mechanical thing. But, for a lot of us
women, it sure seems like orgasm is a pretty straightforward and mechnical thing for men. Through experience,
we also learn that it’s almost always the case that when the guy comes, the sex is over. This teaches us that
orgasm is the normal goal and end-result of a sexual encounter.
The speed and ease with which men achieve orgasms may, in fact, be one of the major problems contributing to
women feeling like they have to fake their own orgasm.
Did you know that many studies put the average duration of sexual intercourse between American
couples at between three and ten minutes? BETWEEN 3 AND 10 MINUTES!! I’ve never had sex that lasted
for such a ridiculously short amount of time myself, but this is what the studies say! The Kinsey Report found
that more than 50% of all American men take less than five minutes to reach orgasm/ejaculation from
the first moment of penetration. Think about it from a woman’s perspective: if you’ve grown used to
the idea that your sexual partner is going to climax in ten minutes or less, and also know that you
yourself are HIGHLY unlikely to climax in anywhere near that short a time, wouldn’t you begin to think
“faking it” might not be such a bad idea?
Guys, this is really a big problem for a lot women! We know that you want us to have an orgasm when we’re
having sex with you and we also know that if the sexual activity doesn’t last long enough we’re not going to have
one. This simple equation already sets up an anxiety-producing dilemma for women: Do we “lie” and make the
guy feel good? Or do we stay “honest” and in doing so, maybe make the guy feel inadequate? This might seem
like a strange idea, but one way to look at a woman’s fake orgasm is to see it as her gift to you! Some women
may fake orgasms to make you feel good about yourself and this shows that she’s putting your feelings ahead
of her own!
Now, of course, you might find the idea that a fake orgasm is a big gift to you pretty weird. After all, it never feels
good to be fooled and getting fooled in bed can feel especially bad. And you’re still left wondering why she can’t
achieve a real orgasm with you! No, it’s pretty unlikely you’re going to feel like saying “Thanks for the fake
orgasm, babe!”
Of course women do not fake orgasms only because we’re trying to make you feel good about yourself. Women
also fake orgasms because we feel self-conscious, and even embarrassed, when we can’t manage to have a
real one. And this self-consciousness increases with age. After all, after years of sexual experience, shouldn’t
we women have figured out how to easily achieve orgasm during any sexual encounter?
Women in their 20s are far less likely to “fake it” than women in their 30s and 40s.
Being unable to achieve orgasm during sex with a man makes us feel like we’re inadequate! Maybe our feelings
of inadequacy are pretty similar to your feelings when you can’t get or sustain an erection. The difference is that
men can’t fake an erection. Women can fake orgasms and they do... for some pretty understandable reasons!
In my view, the two main reasons women “fake it” are a) to make men feel good about their sexual abilities, and
b) to make men think we’re “normal.” Of course, the problem with this reasoning is that a) if a man thinks a
woman might be faking it, he does NOT feel good!, and b) it is NOT normal for women to achieve orgasm in 5-10
minutes of sexual intercourse!
But what if your sexual encounters with women last much longer than 10 minutes and you still think she might be
“faking it”? Well, sometimes it seems to us that the guy is prolonging sexual intercourse for the sole purpose of
making SURE we have an orgasm. And this, I’m afraid, often isn’t very sexy. You know that old joke about the
Dad who yells at his crying kids, “We’re on vacation and you’re going to have fun, God-damn it!!!” Well,
sometimes sex with a man feels a little bit like that for a woman. His attempts to make her orgasm sometimes
feelslike he’s yelling “We’re having sex and you’re going to have an orgasm, God-damn it!!!”
I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with women about the horrors of having sex with a man who is
clearly prolonging it for one reason only: to make sure we have an orgasm before he has his. And this can be a
pretty unpleasant experience for us! We’re lying there with the guy who’s working away to beat the band – trying
this trick and that trick, rubbing and poking away like he’s working on an assembly line! It’s not romantic and it’s
not sexy. It feels like he’s rubbing two sticks together for as long as it takes to make them catch fire! And the
more we’re aware of just how hard the poor guy is WORKING at it, the less likely we are to have an orgasm!
Instead of letting go and enjoying the sexual encounter, we just end up worrying about when the damn orgasm is
going to happen! We become impatient and frustrated and self-conscious. We don’t feel sexy at all and in the
end, it might just be easier to “fake it” and get the whole thing over with.
Women’s Sexual Enjoyment
Did you know that women can orgasm from having their breasts touched? And from manual stimulation of their
vulvas (rubbing against their partners bodies)? And even from fantasizing without any physical stimulation at all?
Pretty strange, huh? Women’s sexuality is highly individual, complex, and subtle. And this isn’t a bad thing for
men, if you think about it! It can make sex with a woman a really incredible experience. In fact, women’s relative
difficulty in achieving orgasm can be seen as a very positive thing instead of a problem. After all, if we were
wired more like men sex might never get beyond the “Wham! Bam! Thank You Mam!” stage.
But despite the fact that women’s orgasms can be caused in many different ways, the scientific studies still
report that there are only two basic causes of female orgasm: direct stimulation of the clitoris and direct or
indirect stimulation of the “g spot.” And both my own experience and my discussions with other women about
their experience suggest that most men AND women believe that stimulation of clitoris and/or “g spot” are the
surest route to a female orgasm. I think that that this shared belief can really cause some big problems in bed. I
wonder how often it is that, during sex, the man is limiting himself to these two methods and never exploring any
other options at all. I also wonder how often it is that the woman is wondering what’s wrong with her because
those methods aren’t working for her! Really, it does make you wonder just how often sex ends up being much
less enjoyable than it should be because both people are either worrying about what’s wrong with themselves or
about what’s wrong with the other person! And while worry may not prevent a man from having an orgasm, but it
sure can prevent a woman from having one! It is a fact that if a woman is feeling self-conscious or anxious
during sex, she will not have an orgasm.
Even though most of us like to think we’re capable of being sexually open and honest, I think it’s rare for men
and women to be direct with each other about their own sexualities. I also think that in the modern age, we are
encouraged by the media (movies, TV, video games) to believe that good sex is simply about knowing “all the
right moves.” Maybe good sex for men is all down to what a woman does to him physically. But I’m here to attest
to the fact that THIS IS NOT THE CASE FOR WOMEN. For women, good sex depends every bit as much
on her psychological state as it does her physical state. This is a really important thing for men to
understand. If a woman feels relaxed and comfortable in a sexual situation, she is much more likely to have an
orgasm. If she feels uptight and frustrated, she’s unlikely to have one. It is a woman’s psychological state that
most often causes her to fake an orgasm.
Despite what all the studies and conventional wisdom say about it, I have NEVER had an orgasm from either
direct clitoral stimulation OR stimulation of the so-called “g spot.” NEVER. And not from want of guys trying! If I
believed those studies, I’d also have to believe that I’m abnormal and maybe even sexually dysfunctional. I think
a lot of women wind up feeling exactly that – that they’re sexually dysfunctional because the common “tricks of
the trade” don’t work on them. Can you imagine the pressure and anxiety you would experience if you were
having sex with someone and trying to hide the fact that there’s something wrong with you sexually? Hiding this
“fact” is called “faking it” and it not something that women enjoy doing, I can tell you. All those studies are doing
is encouraging men to stick to a very limited range of “tricks” and encouraging women to think that they’re
abnormal if those “tricks” don’t work.
Why Women “Fake It”
OK, so a lot of men want to know how they can tell if a woman is “faking it.” This is probably not the important
question to be asking! The more important question to ask is “Why might she be faking it?” If you understand
the reasons that a woman has for faking orgasm, you’ll be better prepared to create the conditions in which she
won’t feel like she needs to do it. The main reasons women fake orgasms include:
Making you feel good about sex with her because she knows you expect her to have to have one.
Knowing sex with you isn’t going to last long enough for her to reach climax and knowing she’s going to have to
fake an orgasm or look like she’s frigid.
Wanting you to feel good about your sexual abilities because your ego is important to her.
Trying to bring sex with you to an end because what you’re doing isn’t working and she knows that no matter
how long you do it for, it’s never going to work.
Becoming so anxious and self-conscious about not responding to your continued attempts to bring her to
orgasm that she can’t orgasm and simply wants to end her psychological distress.
Feeling like she’s abnormal because she’s not “feeling it” and trying to cover up her so-called sexual
“abnormality.
Basically, women’s inability to achieve orgasm comes down to, for whatever reason, an inability to “let go.” This
inability to let go is called “anorgasmia.” In a nutshell, anorgasmia is basically caused by performance pressure
and a high level of concern for the other person’s sexual satisfaction. In other words, an anorgasmic woman is
usually too worried about whether you’re enjoying yourself be able to relax and really get into it.
She Won’t “Fake It” If She Doesn’t Have To
I would guess that most men see orgasm as evidence that the sexual goal of giving and getting sexual pleasure
has been achieved. And yes, for women too, orgasm is the most intense form of sexual pleasure. BUT, and this
may be hard for a man to really understand, women can experience quite intense sexual pleasure WITHOUT
having an orgasm. Just because she doesn’t have an orgasm, it doesn’t mean that she isn’t telling her
girlfriends that she’s having totally great sex with you! Some of the best sex I’ve ever had did not involve an
orgasm on my part! I really think that this is extremely hard for men to really believe. And because I know that
men are looking for my orgasm as proof that I enjoyed the sex, I often feel pressure and anxiety that I wish I didn’
t. I find myself wishing I didn’t feel the pressure coming from the guy and could just be left to really enjoy the
experience for the sheer pleasure of it! I realize that I may be putting the pressure on myself because I’m only
imagining that he expects “the goods” (orgasm) from me. But in either case (the man putting pressure on the
woman or the woman putting pressure on herself), it totally interferes with being able to enjoy sex to the fullest!
According to practioners of Tantric sex, the ancient Indian art of sex, people in the West just don’t get it. They
believe that we Westerners are much too goal oriented, much too caught up in the belief that we have to
produce results! This might be great in business, but sex isn’t business!! Advocates of Trantric sex believe that
people who have sex with the end goal of orgasm in mind never achieve the intense connection that makes sex
such an incredible experience. They believe that working to achieve orgasm gets in the way of building the trust,
bonding, and extreme relaxation that is necessary for true sexual ecstasy. They think that the kind of sex we
practice in the West is a pale shadow of sex can truly be. Tantric sex is a practice that involves delaying orgasm
as long as possible. This delay encourages people to experiment and explore sex to a much fuller extent,
causes sex to last a lot longer than it would otherwise, and makes orgasm much, much more intense.
I’m not suggesting that we all go out and study Tantric sex, but I am suggesting that we might take a page from
the “Trantric book” and stop seeing sex primarily in terms of orgasm. We all (men and women) are familiar with
the idea that women appreciate a lot of foreplay while men just want to get foreplay over with as fast as possible
so they can get down to the “real thing.” I’ve always wondered why it’s called “foreplay” - that tells you something
right there! From a woman’s perspective, “foreplay” isn’t a prelude to sex, it IS sex. Remember when Bill Clinton
swore he didn’t have “sex with that woman” because all that he was doing was getting a blow job? He clearly had
a very limited definition of sex! My point is that if women feel like orgasm is the whole point of sex, and they have
difficulty in reaching orgasm quickly and easily, it is likely they’re going to start thinking that “faking it” isn’t such
a bad idea.
No, there isn’t a sure-fire way for you to be absolutely certain that a woman is faking her orgasm. But there are
ways for you to create the conditions in which she won’t feel like she has to fake it. And when a woman doesn’t
feel the kinds of pressure that lead to “faking it,” she is able to “let go” and really enjoy the sexual experience
whether she has an orgasm or not. And guess what? If a woman isn’t feeling performance anxiety, you’re not
going to have to wonder if that orgasm is fake or not!
A Final Tip:
Just to let you in on something: A lot of women would rather have an hour or so of sex with no orgasm than 10
minutes of sex with an orgasm. Why? Because sex with a man is one of the few times in life that we get to enjoy
his completely undivided attention!
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Hayley H. for the use of Shelley McMurtry FIHM Systems- All Rights Reserved.
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